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Recuerdos de mi Primera Confinación
Continúan llegando a nuestra redacción historias de trajines inéditos descubiertos por propias experiencias o situaciones sobrevenidas a causa del tedio y la desgana en algunos momentos de hartura durante el enchiqueramiento. Varios de nuestros habituales partidarios han intensificado su regular pasión por la lectura, haciendo además algún pinito como redactor, todo es ponerse, anímense y continúen enviándonos “historias del confinamiento”. Veinticuatro horas al día, dan para mucho.
Escribir o leer más que nunca, han sido prácticas habituales entre determinados reclusos, a la par que, advenedizos a redes sociales, han aumentado prácticas con el móvil, logrando estimable nivel en esto de la moderna comunicación. Analfabetos digitales, han ascendido a la categoría de peritos del cotilleo, alcahuetes de confinamiento, ha habido tiempo para todo.

Y en tiempos de priorizar la higiene, llama poderosamente nuestra atención la experiencia desarrollada por otro enchiquerado, Pascual, quien consciente de haber venido al mundo a desarrollar un papel, ha realizado un estudio acerca del papel que a diario es común a todos : el papel higiénico, el papel del váter.

Según sus observaciones, la medida del rollo oscila en torno a los cuarenta metros. Desenrollarlo resultó fácil, volverlo a enrollar fue harina de otro costal, con resultado chungo, aunque no obstante lo utilizó en su totalidad, ya que la limpieza pulcra se nos exige ahora más que nunca. Y hay que actuar con rectitud en el aseo rectal, que no admite limpiezas a ojo. La ablución anal, para que sea cabal, ha de ir precedida de una defecación en postura escrupulosa que favorezca la evacuación al completo, siendo la más recomendada, por idónea, la posición en cuclillas, que no se ajusta a los modernos inodoros. Pascual ha experimentado distintas posturas, se ha entretenido y ha comprobado la eficacia que estas pruebas han aportado a su aparato excretor.

Y en cuclillas, sin aprietos. El toque final, tras el uso del papel, lo consigue con toallitas húmedas y perfumadas, que aportan frescor y placer. Otro aprendizaje en tiempos de clausura. Sin duda, la confinación produce diarrea mental.

La coxidinia ha sido sufrida también por confinados holgazanes, que tras horas y más horas de grandes sentadas ante la tele y apenas cambiar de postura, se le ha hecho crónica, aliviándose con almohadas en forma de v, procurando el efecto cuña, remedio casero para el dolor de coxis. Consecuencias de tanto hundir el culo en el sofá.
Los glúteos doloridos, ha sido otra consecuencia para el sector vago de presidiarios, a quienes el “síndrome de trasero muerto”, tras largas sentadas, sin actividad física ni remoto deseo de pasar a la acción, ha originado culos echaos a perder, de difícil arreglo cuando todo esto pase.

El cabello, nos ha crecido a su bola, sin nadie que frenara su ímpetu con unos buenos tijeretazos. Un buen corte a tiempo, siempre viene bien, en cualquier caso. Total, que nuestro aspecto presenta una imagen inusual y hay que ir pensando en visitar a “Cinco años”- Reme-, o a “Ruiz Stylistas”- Luis-, o a “Victor Peluqueros”- Victor y Lucia-, o al habitual estilista de cada uno para recuperar nuestro normal aspecto.

El problema estriba en que el barbero de turno nos da cita tipo Seguridad Social, con vistas al mes que viene como pronto, con hora fijada y no te retrases, y como mucho, faena de aliño y marchando, que hay muchas prisas. Y si protestas, corte de mangas, a navaja o tijera.

Cómo ha cambiado la vida en un par de meses, ir al barbero, un lujo, con lo placentero que resulta ir a cortarte el pelo, y si además el barbero es julandrón, disfrutas un montón. Algún atrevido se ha hecho arreglo casero, con resultado de calvas y trasquilones, pero no pasa nada, burro trasquilao, a los ocho días igualao. El caso es que un buen escamondao nos está haciendo falta a muchos. Los salones de belleza, bien preciado a día de hoy.
Aquí lo dejamos en esta tercera entrega de Recuerdos de mi Primera Confinación, pero nos siguen entrando picias y extravagancias protagoniazadas por parroquianos de este digital de Daimiel.
Continuará…

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